Fascination (1979)

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This is why you don't bring a knife to scythe fight.

Note: this review contains spoilers. Proceed with caution.

According to exploitation legend, the story of Fascination started when Jean Rollin imagined two turn-of-the-century women dancing, and indeed that is the image that opens the film. The women are Elizabeth (Franca Mai) and Eva (Brigitte Lahaie), two of a circle of noblewomen, led by Hélène (Fanny Magier), who have developed a taste for human blood and lure unsuspecting men to their midnight ceremonies. Into their clutches wanders Marc (Jean-Marie Lemaire), a thief on the run from the partners he’s double-crossed. In short, it’s pretty much lesbian vampire story 1A.

The Diamond Age (1995)

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"I wear the beard, it does not wear me."

The Diamond Age is a, somewhat indirect, sequel to Neal Stephenson’s 1992 novel, Snow Crash, which explored a world where nation-states had broken down and been replaced by distributed republics called “Franchise Oriented Quasi-National Entities” (FOQNEs)—autonomous enclaves run as franchises of some corporation, party, or ideal, e.g. “Narcolombia” (the Medellin cartel), “CosaNostra Pizza” (the mafia), and so on. The plot concerned a memetic virus modelled on the Sumerian concept of me—a sort of programming language for human brains.

The Nude Vampire (1970)

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"Cross-o-gram? Oh, yes. Very droll."

This review contains spoilers. Caveat lector.

So, The Nude Vampire: Dr Radamante (Maurice Lemaître) and his colleagues (Bernard Musson, Jean Aron) are evil scientists (is there any other kind), holding a young woman they believe to be a vampire (Caroline Cartier) hostage. For some reason, their plan involves a suicide cult, people in animal masks, interpretive dance, and girls in strange costumes. I’m sure it would have all played into their master plan, except before it can come to fruition, the vampire girl escapes, right into the arms of Radamante’s son, Pierre (Olivier Rollin). She’s recaptured, but not before piquing young Pierre’s curiosity.

Beneath the Veneer of a Murder (2010)

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"You know, you should really think about getting a flatscreen; prices are lower than ever."

Reviewed from a screener. Oh, and the review contains spoilers.

What we have here is basically a standard film noir, only told in about 8 minutes, with the on-screen action boiled down to one scene: a man named Judd (Eric Schneier) kills a woman called Lolita (Christy Scott-Cashman). This scene is bookended by two telephone conversations that are played over the opening and closing credits. The conversations both involve Buchanan (Mark Grant), talking first with Judd and then with his wife, Daisy (Jennifer McCartney), who had been having an affair with Lolita. Apparently, Judd is after the money Lolita scammed off Daisy, but runs into trouble in the form of Buchanan’s head of security, Bartlesby (Angel Connell). This leads to Judd killing Lolita (the only on-screen action), followed by the police gunning down Judd.

Female Vampire (1973)

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Yeah, that's about as dressed as Countess Karlstein (Lina Romay) gets.

Jess Franco has never really been one for tight plotting, which he proves yet again in 1973′s Female Vampire. Franco himself (under one of his many pen-names, Jess Franck) stars as Dr Roberts, a pathologist investigating a series of murders he, quite rightly, believes are being perpetrated by a vampire. Franco’s muse, Lina Romay in one of her first starring roles, plays Countess Irina Karlstein, a vampire who walks around naked and kills some people. Our leading man is Jack Taylor who plays — I dunno, a poet? He doesn’t really do much for the first hour of the film, except trim his moustache and wax philosophical in voice-over. He does have a handsome moustache, though. That’s really all the plot there is.

La nuit des horloges (2007)

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Isabelle (Ovidie) and the winged spirit (Sabine Lenoël)

Unlike Jess Franco, who — as regular readers will remember — has regressed as director, Jean Rollin seems to have quietly grown into an accomplished auteur. His penultimate film, La nuit des horloges (“the night of the clocks”), is an artistic tour de force and by far the best Rollin film I’ve seen. Indeed, by far the best exploitation film I’ve seen in a long while.

Maid in Sweden (1971)

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Inga (Christina Lindberg) meets a gratuitously predatory lesbian (Wivian Öiangen).

One of Maid in Sweden‘s writers uses the pseudonym “Mike Hunt”. That should tell you everything you need to know about the quality of this film, but since I’m supposed to be offering reviews and commentary (it says so right in the title):

Naïve 16-year-old Inga (Christina Lindberg) goes to stay with her sister, Greta (Monica Ekman), and Greta’s loutish stoner boyfriend, Carsten (Krister Ekman), in Stockholm. Carsten mocks Inga’s innocent country ways, and she’s set up on a date with failed artist (and lout) Björn (Leif Naeslund) who basically rapes her into falling in love with him, continuing a trend from the last Lindberg movie I reviewed. Then Carsten does the same thing. And there’s your plot.

Journey to Japan (1973)

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As you can tell by the fake moustache, Ingrid (Christina Lindberg) stepped into the wrong cab.

Any time I sit down to watch a film for review, there’s a risk I’ll sit there ninety minutes later staring at an blank notebook page and nothing interesting to say about the film. Usually, I just move on to the next film, but I thought I’d make an exception for Journey to Japan, just to see if I can find anything to say about it that isn’t either boring or obvious. Let’s see.

What Have They Done to Solange? (1972)

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Solange (Camille Keaton) is black-and-white. What have they done?

A gym teacher and Italian professor at a girls’ high school, Enrico Rosseni (Fabio Testi), is out on a river with his student/lover, Elizabeth (Cristina Galbó), when the lover sees a girl being chased on the river bank. Rosseni is dismissive, but when he hears a news report about the body of a girl being found by the river the next morning, he realises he’s gotten himself involved in a murder, and finds himself under the watchful eye of Inspector Barth (Joachim Fuchsberger) of the Scotland Yard. Then more young girls are found brutally murdered and Inspector Barth’s and Rosseni’s investigations lead them to an overwhelming question: What did they do to Solange (Camille Keaton), and how exactly is it connected to the murders?

Batman: Arkham Asylum (2009)

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There's no tool in the crime-fighter's arsenal as important as a good iconic pose.

There is a truism in video game fandom and criticism that games based on movie and comic book licenses tend to be bad. Some a little bit bad and some mind-bogglingly bad (ET and Superman 64 being the classic examples). Trying to disprove this theory, Rocksteady teamed up with Batman: The Animated Series (among others) writer Paul Dini to create Batman: Arkham Asylum. According to Guinness, who certified Arkham Asylum “the most critically acclaimed super hero game ever”, they succeeded.